I LOVE YOU doesn't sound right coming out of He-Man's mouth...

“I love you”…

It’s a simple and meaningful way to express ones emotion toward another… It’s something that most of us enjoy hearing from our spouses, family and friends. Unless that someone has a frozen plastic mouth, polyester hair, and ogling lifeless eyes that look into your soul with their never ending, thousand-yard stare.

The reason “I LOVE YOU” has been weighing on me so heavily in recent months is the simple fact that my daughter has at LEAST a dozen or so toys of varying sizes and shapes that tell her they love her. All through that tinny, monotone, Stephen Hawking (not busting your balls, but your ass knows the computer voice that does all your talking is creepy, sorry dude…), WOPR computer from WarGames voice. Now she’s obviously too young to really know what the words “I LOVE YOU” mean in any real sense. She obviously knows when my wife and I express affection towards her because there are other factors that indicate this.  Body language, pitch and tone of voice and of course volume all factor into whether or not she laughs or cries when we talk to her. At 7 months (my god that went quick) she can’t really understand vocabulary and syntax on a complex level.

To be honest that’s not the goddamn point.

Now I’m no ego-maniac. Of course I’m not so naïve to think that my daughter would only ever have love for me or my wife. But something about her toys (objects) telling her they love her doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe I’m over-reacting and its totally acceptable for my daughters’ battery operated Fisher Price teddy bear to sing a song to her saying how much it loves her and watches her morning, noon and night… Or maybe its totally freaking creepy. Im betting on the latter of the two.

Pictured: Needy Little Bitch

Why does her Wonderbug need to tell her that she’s a happy baby and how much it loves her? I mean for gods sake are we so desperately infatuated with consumerism and the ever tightening grip of “stuff” that we need to train our kids from infancy that their objects love them?

When I was growing up I never needed a freaking phone with Elmo on it telling me that he loves it when I play with him. Just teach me the freaking ABC's and keep the personal shit to yourself you little red tweaker. I wanted toys that didn’t want anything to do with me or my boring child life. Theres no way in hell my toys would have put up with this crap. In fact im pretty sure my toys would have kicked my ass if they really knew me... AND THATS THE WAY I LIKE IT.

"Hows about you transform into someone who ISN'T desperately seeking love  from anyone and everything? Knuckle up, chubby"

I wanted toys that were going to transport me away from being a poor child in the suburbs and turn me into something grandiose.

"I am entirely too busy helping the Taliban fight communist Russia in Rambo 3 to love you,  Nancy boy."

Now I know that my daughter is very young and that these toys are meant to be very simple. Of course I don’t object to her having dolls or even stuffed animals. I take issue with the fact that the toy companies seem to be hell bent on making these toys (essentially objects) tell children that they love them. This is generally A statement reserved for parents and family members only during those first tender and influential years of a child’s life.

I can’t help but think of how strange it would have been to hear some of MY toys tell me that they loved me…

Goddamn…

Nostalgia FAIL.

I don't think Brawny had this in mind...

   Anyone with a young child who is lucky enough to be able to spend their days at home knows that ALOT of your time is spent keeping them busy and subsequently exhausting yourself. As per my recent experience I know that there are many ways to accomplish this. These include...

-books
-TV
-tummy time (were gonna crawl any day I swear...)
-singing (making up new words to regular songs of course...)
-dancing
-trying to fall off the couch
-talking (it might sound like random noises to you, but shes talking to me)
-listening to dad play guitar
-eating random things found on the floor
-allowing the dog to lick the inside of our mouth AS SOON AS DAD TURNS HIS HEAD A SECOND
-splattering the inside of outfits with poo like a coked up Jackson Pollock
-squirting pee as soon as Dad takes OFF our goddamn diaper
-Skype dates with mom at work...

These of course are all acceptable forms of entertainment to get us through the day. But just the other day my daughter learned a new way to keep herself busy... I'm lucky enough to have photo evidence...

Hmmmm.... So... These are just here for anyone to take??

They taste pretty good... and the texture is fine... but its not really tickling my fancy...

Well goddamn... These things just pull right off of there...

Its like the harder I pull the faster they come off... WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS  TOY FROM ME!!

HOLY CRAP.... DAD ARE YOU WATCHING THIS!! Take pictures...

If I wrap it up like this it looks like a pretty dress! But WHERE THE HELL DID MY FEET GO???

I swear it's like it NEVER ENDS!!!

The roll DOES seem to be getting smaller... perhaps I spoke too soon...

Dad gimme a hand... the roll seems to be stuck...

Wow... it just came right off!! WTF kind of stupid finite toy is that?

Maybe there's another roll over there?

Dad... Uhhhhh... we're outta paper towels...

Dad couldn't care less.

Have a great Christmas.

First Thanksgiving as a Daddy...

I'm thankful for little hands in my T-shirt pocket...

MONKEY BUTTS!!!

BUMBO SEATS!!!

DINNER TIME

LAUNDRY DETERGENT

WONDERMENT

RELAXING NAPS

COSTUMES

TOOTHLESS GRINS

SLEEPY SNUGGLES

Simply Put... FAMILY

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

New Daddy Observations

   When we first brought Olivia home my wife and I spent every waking moment of every day studying her. Every little hiccup, finger squeeze and smile were looked upon with complete and utter astonishment. To this day I'm still in awe of almost everything my daughter does on a day to day basis. This sense of wonderment regarding parenting is the primary reason I took on the task of writing a blog. In the beginning I started doing this on Facebook with something I called "New Daddy Observations"... Really they were just status updates about various things that struck a comedic chord with me regarding being a new father. After the first few they really started catching on and (based on the reaction that I got) I was motivated to add to the list. Since I've started this blog I haven't added any new "Daddy Observations" because my efforts have been shifted to this new forum. For those who may have missed them the first time around this is a repost of those early observations. Enjoy, as always...

New Daddy Observation #1 - FLUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON... - Baby clothes in your dryer = cotton candy in your lint trap.

New Daddy Observation #2 - STAY ALERT!!!... - It is absolutely possible to pass out on the toilet
when you aren't wasted... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

New Daddy Observation #3 - BILL THE BUTCHER!!... - New parents generally fester a
murderous rage and desire to dispatch by thine own hand anyone or anything that might wake
their newborn child. Gladly its felt internally and rarely expressed externally... Just
don't push it...

New Daddy Observation #4 - FIRE IN THE HOLE!... - Apparently there's a very real
chance that while changing your childs diaper, another "evacuation" traveling at warp speed
can and WILL spray 1.21 gigawatts of poo all over your shirt. PRO TIP: Wear a poncho!

New Daddy Observation #5 - WHEN YOU'RE SMILING... - The little smiles that bless
childrens faces are what our parents have been living for all these years. Few things in
the universe raise a new parents confidence and pride faster. Even if they're only smiling
because they farted…

New Daddy Observation # 6 - WAGONS HO!!!... - So its been a week since we brought
our little Olivia home and if I said our lives weren't turned on their heads I would be
lying. Never before have I spent so much time questioning my own ability to be a
responsible adult! What adventures might the future hold? No one can really say and I
personally don't wanna know. New parents genuinely ARE on a road to discovery every moment
of every day. Each one of them a pioneer on the very edge of uncharted territory in their
lives. If they're lucky like I am, they have stocked their wagons full of family, friends,
an amazing spouse and plenty of patience to see them through the tough times ahead.
Regardless of what may come our lives are permanently changed for the better by this tiny
new addition, and I can’t wait to see where the trail leads. Her name is Olivia. We are
proud parents.

New Daddy Observation #7 - ORDER UP!!... - Caring for a newborn child at night is
like being a waiter at a 24 hour diner. There's always some drunk (possibly with a pantload
of poo) screaming at you in some language you don't understand. You spend your time trying
to figure out what they want until they pass out. Sighing when they wake a few hours later
DEMANDING a free refill on their "bottomless" drink...

New Daddy Observation #8 – YOUNG EINSTEIN... - New parents cannot help but imprint
"genius" or "advanced" status on their newborns much to the chagrin of bystanders and
relatives. That being said, anyone know a preschool that has AP classes? My three week old
just rolled herself over! GENIUS

New Daddy Observation #9 - ZOMBIELAND... - Its almost 5 a.m. and at this very
moment there are thousands of new parents shuffling around their homes like lead-footed
Nosferatu. A low groan escaping their lips as crusty bloodshot eyes peer through squinted
eyelids, cursing the impending dawn and all who might cross their path... Be mindful this
morning, brains may be on the menu...

New Daddy Observation #10 - JANITORIAL SERVICES... - When you become a new parent,
you expect certain things. For example you expect copious amounts of bodily fluids to be
emenating from your child frequently throughout the day. What you don't expect is the
rampant presence of those fluids on YOUR BODY. I swear, some days I feel dirtier than a
frat-house toilet seat...

MORE TO COME SOON!!!

· 

New Parents and the Oregon Trail...

      When you have a baby, one of the first hard realizations you'll have to deal with is that you aren't going to be taking any spontaneous jaunts across country (or to the corner store) any time soon. In fact you learn this on the day you leave the hospital with your little bundle of joy. For those who haven't had a kid yet I can tell you that this transition isn't a gentle one. You don't remember coming into the hospital room with bags and bags of stuff, yet when you leave suddenly you feel much like a pack mule carrying supplies for some early pioneer on the Oregon Trail. After a long waddle you find yourself at the car and open the trunk. A gasp escapes your lips at the realization that you aren't going on some long trip, you aren't moving to a new town, you're only trying to get your family home and yet your trunk (and in our case the front seat) is suddenly full of crap. Instinctively I look over all of the various sacks and luggage in the trunk and do a quick evaluation in a futile attempt to figure out what I can leave behind ultimately trying to lighten my load and increase efficiency, and yet EVERYTHING seems essential... How can that be? When we rushed here from home we knew we would be here for a few days and we didn't even OPEN the trunk let alone pack it full of stuff... and yet we seemed to get along just fine... How could it be that something as small as a baby could require so much baggage?
         My wife and I used to be able to leave for a few days without any consideration to careful planning. We'd throw whatever clean clothes we had in a small bag and head off into the sunset like Smokey and the Bandit. Earlier this week my wife was required to go on a business trip to Jersey City for a two night stay. Since she is nursing, Olivia and I got to tag along with her. To put it simply, we started packing the NIGHT BEFORE for this ONE HOUR TRIP. You would have thought we were making a run at the summit of Mt. Everest for gods sake. . .  Here's a quick rundown...

Stroller
Pack and Play
Diaper Bag (with 400 diapers)
Pack of 1000 Wipes
Bottles
Nipples
Emergency formula
Breast pump
Breast pump bottles
Breast pump valves
Breast pump tubing
Breast milk baggies for storage of said breast milk
Ice pack for keeping breast milk cold until consumption
Bottle brush
300 baby outfits
200 burp cloths
Baby
Oxygen Tank
Tent
Emergency Rations
Rope
Ice Axe
Tummy time mat
Compass
Dish soap
Tub
Towels
Washcloths
Sherpa Guide (VIVA NEPAL!!)
...... (sigh)
Oh yeah, MOM AND DADS SUITCASES (1 Each)

     I know that I've forgotten a bunch of things that were on our original list but I'm sure you get the idea. I guess what I'm getting at here friends is that before you have a kid, buy a goddamn SUV and make things easy on yourself. I know I know we used to be those people that swore we would never need one, but I assure you, we don't have one and WE NEED ONE.

       

Pictured: Borrowed SUV

His Masters Voice...

    Anyone new parent who begins putting their child into a crib quickly learns that the "baby monitor" is a device you will become very familiar with. Now I know that this device is clearly meant to give the parent some relief in the sense that you can move about your home and/or sleep in bed without having your child in the same room. As far as the functionality of this device I have no qualms. Where I take issue is the topic of stress relief for the parents concerning these devices... and by "issue" I mean it drives me batshit crazy... 
   I dont know about you but that goddamn little squelching staticky box makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Its not the noise mind you, I dont mean to say that the audio quality of the baby monitor is below my standards. I just hate the fact that im completely and utterly focused on every little blip, squeak and scratch that eeks out of that little monotone sumbitch while its in the room. Im not trying to be an overprotective parent and in my opinion I'm really not. When Olivia is upstairs in her crib and im downstairs watching something completely geek-laden on TV and I hear her shuffle herself a little or take a deep breath I cant help but jump and stare at the speaker for the next 15 minutes after muting the TV. I fight the urge to run upstairs and throw a mirror down in front of her face...I dont have to tell you, at 3 a.m. thats an unwelcome feeling!! Half the time im using the monitor I feel like a radio operator on a submarine listening for the splashes of enemy depth charges...

Pictured: A restful nights sleep for Daddy

     I read somewhere the other day that Marconi himself invented the radio for the sole purpose of using it as a baby monitor but it was such a revolutionary discovery he ended up sharing it with the world... I think I may have an excerpt from an interview done with the inventor himself...

December 21st 1901: Excerpt from "Modern Science Magazine"

MSM - So Mr Marconi, our readers are flabbergasted to hear that you have invented what some are calling "a supernatural wizardry that will bring forth a curse on us all"...is it true that you are some kind of mystical oracle, come forth to make our voices travel across miles of countryside?

Marconi - Well, its true that I have invented a device that can be used to transport a mans voice over miles of Earth, but the whole "Oracle" thing I kinda keep on the downlow ya heard? *chuckles*

MSM - Seriously, dude, why the hell would a mans voice need to travel that far? I mean are people ever going to really care what is happening to a person thats so far away from them? I cant ever see humans getting to a point where they would need to know the status moment to moment of every single person they know. My God, the minutia of that would be staggering!! How would we ever get any work done?  How is this useful in the hunter/gatherer sense of survival?

Marconi - To be perfectly honest it isnt, and since were being candid I really only invented this machine because my wife Beatrice and I were having trouble leaving our daughter in another room at night to sleep. Beatrice was extremely worried since she couldnt hear the little one and for the past few months the child has been sleeping in bed with us... I missed falling asleep with dear Beatrice in my arms... So I invented the radio so we could enjoy a nights sleep alone, Beatrice could hear the baby and tend to her when needed and we wouldnt have to fret so much.

MSM - You didnt want your baby to see you in your underwear did you...

Marconi - WHATEVS...

Pictured: Total Prude

It sounds silly but in a way he's totally right on most accounts (even the underwear thing). Parents use the baby monitor to help them gain some semblence of individuality again, even if you use your new found freedom to quietly do laundry alone. That little satellite gives you an ability to be with your baby even if at the other end of the house. In my case this detatchment (for the moment) is having the opposite effect. That little humming speaker amplifies my irrational fears as to what might be happening in that room as soon as I step out of it. Now im not talking monsters and aliens here and Im generally not a neurotic person in the least. But at 3 a.m. when I wake up to the gentle cough of my daughter squelch its way over the monitor... F#*%... I'm just gonna go check....

Slimer...

To quote Bill Murray in Ghostbusters.... "Ugh, I feel so funky..."

Pictured: Expression of dislike for Dads T-Shirt