His Masters Voice...

    Anyone new parent who begins putting their child into a crib quickly learns that the "baby monitor" is a device you will become very familiar with. Now I know that this device is clearly meant to give the parent some relief in the sense that you can move about your home and/or sleep in bed without having your child in the same room. As far as the functionality of this device I have no qualms. Where I take issue is the topic of stress relief for the parents concerning these devices... and by "issue" I mean it drives me batshit crazy... 
   I dont know about you but that goddamn little squelching staticky box makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Its not the noise mind you, I dont mean to say that the audio quality of the baby monitor is below my standards. I just hate the fact that im completely and utterly focused on every little blip, squeak and scratch that eeks out of that little monotone sumbitch while its in the room. Im not trying to be an overprotective parent and in my opinion I'm really not. When Olivia is upstairs in her crib and im downstairs watching something completely geek-laden on TV and I hear her shuffle herself a little or take a deep breath I cant help but jump and stare at the speaker for the next 15 minutes after muting the TV. I fight the urge to run upstairs and throw a mirror down in front of her face...I dont have to tell you, at 3 a.m. thats an unwelcome feeling!! Half the time im using the monitor I feel like a radio operator on a submarine listening for the splashes of enemy depth charges...

Pictured: A restful nights sleep for Daddy

     I read somewhere the other day that Marconi himself invented the radio for the sole purpose of using it as a baby monitor but it was such a revolutionary discovery he ended up sharing it with the world... I think I may have an excerpt from an interview done with the inventor himself...

December 21st 1901: Excerpt from "Modern Science Magazine"

MSM - So Mr Marconi, our readers are flabbergasted to hear that you have invented what some are calling "a supernatural wizardry that will bring forth a curse on us all"...is it true that you are some kind of mystical oracle, come forth to make our voices travel across miles of countryside?

Marconi - Well, its true that I have invented a device that can be used to transport a mans voice over miles of Earth, but the whole "Oracle" thing I kinda keep on the downlow ya heard? *chuckles*

MSM - Seriously, dude, why the hell would a mans voice need to travel that far? I mean are people ever going to really care what is happening to a person thats so far away from them? I cant ever see humans getting to a point where they would need to know the status moment to moment of every single person they know. My God, the minutia of that would be staggering!! How would we ever get any work done?  How is this useful in the hunter/gatherer sense of survival?

Marconi - To be perfectly honest it isnt, and since were being candid I really only invented this machine because my wife Beatrice and I were having trouble leaving our daughter in another room at night to sleep. Beatrice was extremely worried since she couldnt hear the little one and for the past few months the child has been sleeping in bed with us... I missed falling asleep with dear Beatrice in my arms... So I invented the radio so we could enjoy a nights sleep alone, Beatrice could hear the baby and tend to her when needed and we wouldnt have to fret so much.

MSM - You didnt want your baby to see you in your underwear did you...

Marconi - WHATEVS...

Pictured: Total Prude

It sounds silly but in a way he's totally right on most accounts (even the underwear thing). Parents use the baby monitor to help them gain some semblence of individuality again, even if you use your new found freedom to quietly do laundry alone. That little satellite gives you an ability to be with your baby even if at the other end of the house. In my case this detatchment (for the moment) is having the opposite effect. That little humming speaker amplifies my irrational fears as to what might be happening in that room as soon as I step out of it. Now im not talking monsters and aliens here and Im generally not a neurotic person in the least. But at 3 a.m. when I wake up to the gentle cough of my daughter squelch its way over the monitor... F#*%... I'm just gonna go check....