I LOVE YOU doesn't sound right coming out of He-Man's mouth...

“I love you”…

It’s a simple and meaningful way to express ones emotion toward another… It’s something that most of us enjoy hearing from our spouses, family and friends. Unless that someone has a frozen plastic mouth, polyester hair, and ogling lifeless eyes that look into your soul with their never ending, thousand-yard stare.

The reason “I LOVE YOU” has been weighing on me so heavily in recent months is the simple fact that my daughter has at LEAST a dozen or so toys of varying sizes and shapes that tell her they love her. All through that tinny, monotone, Stephen Hawking (not busting your balls, but your ass knows the computer voice that does all your talking is creepy, sorry dude…), WOPR computer from WarGames voice. Now she’s obviously too young to really know what the words “I LOVE YOU” mean in any real sense. She obviously knows when my wife and I express affection towards her because there are other factors that indicate this.  Body language, pitch and tone of voice and of course volume all factor into whether or not she laughs or cries when we talk to her. At 7 months (my god that went quick) she can’t really understand vocabulary and syntax on a complex level.

To be honest that’s not the goddamn point.

Now I’m no ego-maniac. Of course I’m not so naïve to think that my daughter would only ever have love for me or my wife. But something about her toys (objects) telling her they love her doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe I’m over-reacting and its totally acceptable for my daughters’ battery operated Fisher Price teddy bear to sing a song to her saying how much it loves her and watches her morning, noon and night… Or maybe its totally freaking creepy. Im betting on the latter of the two.

Pictured: Needy Little Bitch

Why does her Wonderbug need to tell her that she’s a happy baby and how much it loves her? I mean for gods sake are we so desperately infatuated with consumerism and the ever tightening grip of “stuff” that we need to train our kids from infancy that their objects love them?

When I was growing up I never needed a freaking phone with Elmo on it telling me that he loves it when I play with him. Just teach me the freaking ABC's and keep the personal shit to yourself you little red tweaker. I wanted toys that didn’t want anything to do with me or my boring child life. Theres no way in hell my toys would have put up with this crap. In fact im pretty sure my toys would have kicked my ass if they really knew me... AND THATS THE WAY I LIKE IT.

"Hows about you transform into someone who ISN'T desperately seeking love  from anyone and everything? Knuckle up, chubby"

I wanted toys that were going to transport me away from being a poor child in the suburbs and turn me into something grandiose.

"I am entirely too busy helping the Taliban fight communist Russia in Rambo 3 to love you,  Nancy boy."

Now I know that my daughter is very young and that these toys are meant to be very simple. Of course I don’t object to her having dolls or even stuffed animals. I take issue with the fact that the toy companies seem to be hell bent on making these toys (essentially objects) tell children that they love them. This is generally A statement reserved for parents and family members only during those first tender and influential years of a child’s life.

I can’t help but think of how strange it would have been to hear some of MY toys tell me that they loved me…

Goddamn…

Nostalgia FAIL.